I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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