listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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