who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
