you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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