Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
