have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Randomize
