Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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