I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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