I need to stop coming to work sober
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Randomize
