matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
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