Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
