My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
