you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
