Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
