thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
