Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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