dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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