I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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