so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
