You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
