there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
