How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
