I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
