wat bout pragnant strippers??
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Randomize
