i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
