I feel like abortions should bother me more
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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