its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
