I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
