my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
