All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
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