your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Randomize
