spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
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