I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
