why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Randomize
