My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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