Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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