i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
