My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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