I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
