found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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