Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
