I didn't shave. On purpose
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Randomize
