i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
