I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
