Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Congratulations! We have a period
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
