My liver just broke up with me...
my mouth tastes like poor choices
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
