final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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