BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
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