Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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