have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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